A relationship with a narcissist is a mind-boggling experience. Long after the entire pedestal – devaluation – discard cycle had been completed, after the narcissist’s mask fell off and you saw that ruthless enemy behind the face of your prince charming, you might still be experiencing all sorts of emotions. The love is gone, the feeling of having lost someone special is gone but there might still be occasional bursts of disbelief, disgust, contempt and anger.
Instead of longing for a peaceful closure, you now sometimes feel like you would want to press a hot iron into the narcissist’s face. This happens as all sorts of flashbacks and feelings come to the surface. It’s called delayed anger and it’s typical for those that have been subject to covert aggression and manipulation. You really experience the anger only after it all clicks and you see the behaviour for what it was. If you were involved with a covertly aggressive manipulative person for a longer period time, there will be a lot of flashbacks and the whole process will take quite a long time.
But this anger and hatred is kind of tiring. However, I don’t believe we can just let go of it. That does not work (no matter what all sorts of new-age gurus might be telling you). So how can we really move over these sudden urges to press the hot iron into the narcissist’s face? How can we let go of the occasional revenge fantasies?
Slaves to their illness?
I believe that the only way to truly forgive them is to really cultivate the awareness that they are, indeed, mentally disordered. The forgiveness comes when we cultivate the understanding that we, by making that mistake of believing that we were dealing with a normal person, were expecting from the narcissist something that he simply could not provide.
We have to cultivate the understanding that no matter how malignant and manipulative the narcissist is; he or she is not in charge of his or her actions. His disorder is in charge (and since narcissists tend to be low in the ability to self-reflect, they are in complete denial about that sad fact).
I am trying to relate to them through my own experience with a mental disorder. As I have described in other sections of this blog, there was a time in my life when I would qualify for the diagnosis of a mild borderline personality disorder (the discard by my narcissistic ex was what eventually enabled the healing, paradoxically).
If I close my eyes and travel back in time to those borderline times (which I obviously don’t enjoy revisiting), I have to admit that back then, it was not me that was in charge of my actions in times of distress. It really was my disorder. I couldn’t help it. I had to act out on those mad urges – self-harm, kick furniture, throw a tantrum, threaten my previous boyfriends with break-ups.
I am not proud of any of that behaviour but I can honestly tell you that it was stronger than me. I always had the ability to self-reflect and knew very well that my behaviour was off. I, in fact, felt deeply ashamed. But I couldn’t help it. When the urge came, it had me. Today I understand that it was all a result of my being raised by a narcissistic mother and a (probably) schizoid father, in a home as emotionally cold as ice and totally unwelcoming.
As much as I understand that I was not responsible for developing my BPD, I probably need to understand that all the narcissists that made my life miserable, were not responsible for their developing the narcissistic personality disorder.
I am trying to cultivate the understanding that the same way that I couldn’t control my self-harming urges, my narcissistic ex could not control his behaviour. He is not the master of his life, his disorder is. As hurtful as it was going through all that experience, I have to cultivate the understanding that the entire pedestal – devaluation – discard cycle, was driven by my ex’s disorder.
As difficult as it is, I have to understand that his grand final statement, as much as it clearly was intended to hurt me in the worst possible way, was a result of me expecting healthy mature behaviour from him – something he was not capable of due to the nature of his disorder.
Yes, I didn’t understand it back then. I didn’t know that the mature reasonable person I used to know was just a false self. The more I kept searching for this mature person, the more I was triggering my ex’s panic of being exposed. There was no reasonable mature person behind that mask and the disordered stump of a man simply couldn’t handle the pressure of me wanting to have an adult conversation. The manipulative lying little child couldn’t handle the fear of what would happen if the truth was found out.
I am trying to cultivate the understanding that whilst they inhabit adult bodies and possess adult intellect , on the emotional level narcissists are five-year old children.
I am trying to cultivate the understanding that by expecting the narcissist to behave in a relationship in an adult way, not even saying to have a lasting healthy relationship, I was putting on him unreasonable expectations (of course, it was him who led me to believe how dead serious he was about me with all the love-bombing madness – but this, as well, was just a product of his disorder. His hacking my Skype account? Well, I find it difficult to find an explanation for that but let’s say that he is simply a very mentally ill person). In either way, me expecting of him to be a normal human being was about as absurd as if I was asking a paralysed man to run a marathon – impossible. Yes, I didn’t know what I was dealing with. How could I have known? You can easily recognise a paralysed man. But a narcissist? Not until you have been through this entire experience and have done all the necessary learning (These communication techniques will help you establish whether someone is a narcissist).
Forgiveness exercise
If you like me still occasionally struggle with difficult feelings towards all sorts of narcissists in your life, join me in this exercise: From this moment on, every time I feel this vile anger rising and spilling through my veins at the memory of the narcissist’s actions, every time I feel as if I want to press a hot iron into his face, I will remind myself of this – he/she is ill. It’s his or her disorder that is in control of his behaviour. It was his disorder that made him act in those outrageous ways, play with my emotions, treat me like garbage…
There is and has never been any point in me trying to explain anything to him. There is and has never been any point in me trying to make him/her see. They don’t have it. They are not capable of that. It’s like asking a gorilla to write a novel. They are not equipped for that.
In the same way – if I ever feel triggered by any narcissist ever again, I shall remind myself that it is their disorder at play. They are not in charge. They don’t have the understanding. They are not able to see that their spitting venom at me is just a result of their projection. They are incapable of seeing me as a human being with feelings. They don’t have the ability. Perhaps it was their own abusive parents, perhaps it was them being spoiled rotten by their mothers, perhaps it’s a neurological deficit, they simply can’t and won’t get it. Their attack on me is not personal. It’s a projection. There is no point in me fighting back and trying to make them see. They won’t.
Shall this understanding bring me peace and free me forever from this toxic anger that I feel towards them for how they treated me… It’s not personal. It’s not about me. It’s about their disorder.
Amen.
And THEIR mental dis-order stems from how THEIR brain evolved under dysfunctional data and environment and, let’s not forget, EPIGENETICS, the invisible part of the mix. Their dis-order equates to brain evolution that is locked from further evolution. Meaning, they are stuck in their brain with no way of escape. Unlike a victim whose brain is capable of creating new neurons through positive experiences. This is good for the traumatized who can still feel.
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At the same time I have to stress – we have to understand this but not use it as an excuse to their behaviour. We have to accept that this is what they are and understand that they need to be handled in a different way. It’s the same with a tiger – you have to understand that it’s a tiger and treated like a dangerous animal that it is. It’s OK to be a tiger but you don’t want to go and try to give it a cuddle…
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I had to copy and paste the section
“Yes, I didn’t understand it back then. I didn’t know that the mature reasonable person I used to know was just a false self. The more I kept searching for this mature person, the more I was triggering my ex’s panic of being exposed. There was no reasonable mature person behind that mask and the disordered stump of a man simply couldn’t handle the pressure of me wanting to have an adult conversation. The manipulative lying little child couldn’t handle the fear of what would happen if the truth was found out.”
When I began the process of removing my narcissist from my life I told him that I believed he suffered from fragile narcissism and he was stunned by the two words strung together. They rang so true to him and I could see the words knocking his ladder off of the depression wall he had been trying to climb/hide behind trough his entire life. He was truly taken aback. He made an effort to research it (by joining a narcissistic survivors private forum and posting his concerns there – a golden audience). After a time that he requested to look into what I was charging him with he just slowly started shutting the doors, the golden wedge began and he was refusing to speak to me about anything tough because he just had to be in the right mind set (as with everything difficult in his life – he was the perfect epitome of fragile). He just wasn’t ready. I forced a conversation over the phone and walked away. I moved to an unknown location and started repairing the damage accumulated over 3 years. That was 15 months ago and I realized last week that though I haven’t had the occasion to see him (other than the time he found my address and showed up to lurk at my windows – which he treated the request to talk as a voluntary hoover offer), I still have so much work to do and so many more things to straighten in my head, a post like this is very eye opening. Thank you for all of your posts, I found you a week ago on Quora and your blog is directing me through the harsh shit I couldn’t cover off on before, I’m ready now and getting there. Thank you for being a pioneer and helping me navigate what I knew I needed to see but was blind to.
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Thank you for your comment. I always appreciate to hear from people who find my articles useful. It’s very motivating. So thanks for taking the time to comment. It’s a mad journey to go through and there are so many layers to it. I think our minds can’t take it all in at once, that’s why it takes so long. To go the full circle from ‘the love of my life’, to ‘he has some issues but if only he tried a little’ to ‘if I only told him the right way’ to eventually ‘oh my god that’s a total stranger, who the hell was I sleeping with for four years’ – it’s mad. I still have moments when I go like ‘this is surreal’ but the evidence is all there, it’s indisputable. I hope this journey is as empowering for you are it only can be. It’s for sure a life-changing experience.
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Totally agree with you and everything that you mentioned. Thank you very much for the article. It is true that if we understand the nature of the disorder, we can forgive and free ourselves of all the details involved. Maybe this is possible somewhere at the end of the travel, when you are ready to accept. But this readiness is preceded by a lot of work. Personally, it took me two years. There was a lot of pain, anger and t.c., but I don’t regret, because I am sure that these feelings are purified and they are not from the relation with the narcissist, but from my past. Your story seems familiar. I am also raised from narcissistic parent…
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It’s a journey. I am now trying to truly understand the pathology of my mother. It all started with our parents and I find that this is the most difficult bit – to forgive out parents by understanding how terribly disordered they were probably because of something that happened to them…
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I am glad denied to discover your blog. I so needed to read this right now. To know I am not alone in being upset, confused, hurt, angered by my ex partners demonic actions.
I have been hurt to the core by the man I loved. My children are suffering because of his actions. I am now seeing g everything clearer and gaining knowledge I didn’t know I needed! I am astounded but relieved that others have gone through this.
I too started a blog to document my journey (more to provide evidence of his insanity) but it is now turning round so that I hope to be of help to others just a you are. His hidden issues, that I feel I am on now uncovering after 21 years together have rocked me to my core. I was in love with a shell and a fabricated person. I feel like I never really knew the true him. I pity him (and his mother).
It is only once you start delving that you can see others issues or suspected issues so clearly. I am now working on my own traumas and psyche but I am semi enjoying it if that makes sense.
I hope it is OK to rig your post to my journal blog. If it can help others understand and aid others in removing themselves from such toxicity, I hope that is alright. Everyday another bit of shock hits me (20months after discovering my life with him was not as I thought).
Thank you for your writings.
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I am sorry to hear you are going through this. But as you said, it’s a life changing journey. There is so much pain to go through but at the end, we are stronger, happier and finally truly ourselves. The living with a fabricated person aspect I still find very chilling. I was with mine for four years, which was long enough for me to believe it was a genuine relationship. Discovering this horror after 20 years must be seriously mad. Keep writing, the more voices out there essentially telling the same story in different incarnations, the more seriously the problems will be considered. We are in a sense blessed that thanks to the internet we are not alone with this experience and dismissed by everyone.
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Reblogged this on No Way Back and commented:
THIS!!
“The more I kept searching for this mature person, the more I was triggering my ex’s panic of being exposed. There was no reasonable mature person behind that mask and the disordered stump of a man simply couldn’t handle the pressure of me wanting to have an adult conversation. The manipulative lying little child couldn’t handle the fear of what would happen if the truth was found out.”
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